The Taste of Chocolate
by beebopshaobadop
Summary: A oneshot Wolfstar angst - Remus deals with the news that the man he loved was not was he believed. Angst, T for language and references to sex. R&R?


"No..." He crumpled, his legs simply giving out underneath him. This couldn't be happening, it couldn't. It wasn't real, that was the solution. Lily and James were not dead. Peter had not been blown to pieces. And the other... he couldn't think the name, couldn't bear the thought. "Harry- he survived?"

"Yes, Remus. Albus is taking him to live with his muggle relatives – his godfather is obviously not up to the job-" A low moan escaped Lupin's throat, although Dodge did not notice, and continued to talk. Remus Lupin was not listening. Remus Lupin was remembering.

_Sirius was chasing him, scrubbing snow into his face at every opportunity. He had taken Remus' comments of 'always wanting a proper muggle snowball fight' as permission to behave in what Remus felt was an entirely unfair manner. In fact, it was downright infuriating. Just as he reached this conclusion, however, Sirius was on top of him, tackling him to the ground and covering every inch of him in snow. Remus pushed him away and returned the attack with vigour, causing squeals of "Bloody unfair, dumb werewolf strength" to emit from the pile of snow pinned beneath him. Remus laughed. The two tussled in the snow until, breathless, they collapsed in a cold and snowy heap. During the awkward untangling of limbs, they ended up nose to nose. This was interesting. Remus barely had time to think, to breathe, before Sirius' lips where pressed against his own, cold and unfamiliar and delicious. Sirius pulled away after a few seconds, and, seemingly unaware of the commotion he had caused in the 15 year old's chest, announced _

"_you taste of chocolate, Moony"_

Remus looked up, aware that he was still on the floor. Dodge had stopped talking and was watching him, concerned.

"I'm sorry, Remus. I know you where close, all of you..." Remus managed a nod, pulling himself upright.

"Would you like a glass of whiskey?" he offered. Dodge just looked shocked.

"Just a coffee for me, thank you..." Oh. Yes. Normal people did not drink whiskey at – he checked his watch – 9:45 am. Normal people probably did not drink as much whiskey as he did at any time of day, for that matter. He stumbled into the kitchen. He had to think the name. Sirius. As he did so, a series of images and memories flashed through his mind – growing from a haughty looking eleven year old into the laughing man at James' wedding, and into the dark, haunted man he had become of late. A coldness purged his body, stripping away the remains of his hope, his laughter. Sirius. Sirius black was a traitor. This betrayal felt personal. Remus knew he should be heartbroken that James and Lily had died. He should be concerned, like dodge was, for the safety of harry. He should be scared that Voldemort was not truly gone. Remus, however, could think of nothing but the fact that his lover was a murderer.

"_We don't have to, Moony. It's OK"_

"_Yes, we do. Oh god Sirius, I need you so much. Everything- everything is so shit. I'm not worth shit and no-one gives a damn about me. You can't hold out on me. I need this. I need you" Sirius nodded, pulling Remus close and kissing him tenderly on the forehead The two young men, 17 now, came together -out of fear, lust, desperation, and a love that neither of them was ready to admit._

_Later, they lay together, and Sirius traced each and every scar he could find on Remus' body. He kissed each one. He kissed the tip of his nose. He kissed his eyelids. And then he laughed._

"_Look at us, lying in bed, cuddling like soppy teenage love birds. Lets go cause some mayhem – I'm sure we owe snivellus payback for something or other!" He pulled the blankets back, letting the cold air wash over a disgruntled Remus, and leapt from the bed with a laugh._

This was more pain than he had ever felt. Every part of his body ached. He took a large swig of Whiskey, and stumbled to the kettle. Magic did not occur to him. With hands that trembled, he spooned out instant coffee – this small effort defeated him, and he dropped into a chair. The cold feeling in his chest was receding, leaving a white hot agony in its place. His stomach felt wrong, too. Hot and twisted, the slimy snake of betrayal lodged deep in there. He ran to the bathroom, heaving and retching until there was nothing left inside him. Now the tears came, obscuring his vision. There was, he realised bitterly, nothing left for him. Nothing left to fight for. Nothing to do but hold the pain at bay – lest it destroy him completely.

Remus Lupin checked the date. And again. And again. A small feeling of surprise lodged itself in the overwhelming numbness he hid behind. It had been one month. One month since Sirius had killed James, lily, and peter – the first two not by his own hands, but killed nevertheless. Remus was taking the news hard. He missed Sirius every day – he had not yet been able to face the world outside. He had not been able to call Sirius his lover for months before the incident – the war had taken it's toll on both of them. Sirius had hated seeing the shabby, moneyless state that a werewolf who did not support Voldemort was forced to live in, and Remus could not bear to watch the joyful youth he fell in love with turn into a dark bitter man who had seen too much and taken it too hard. The two of them had fucked, yes, but the tenderness had been gone for a long time. Remus knew this, and it cut him to the core. He had not made it up with Sirius. Maybe if he had – Remus knew, after all, how Sirius was.

_The two men gazed at each other for a few seconds, then Sirius tore his eyes away._

"_Fuck, Moony!" He shouted, kicking out at the table leg and breaking it. _

"_Padfoot, don't wreck our furniture" Remus whispered, in a subdued voice. "We need that"_

"_Well fix it then. Remus, I can't do this. I can't stand by and watch the way they treat you – the way they treat each other! I can't live in this fucked up world. There's no good left in it." as Remus watched the man he loved rage at the unfair world he could not fix, a surge of tender sadness overwhelmed him. Sirius was so..._

"_Sirius. Sirius, look at me." he took Sirius' face in his hands, placed one on each cheek, and brought their noses together. "We'll be OK We're together – that's the good in the world." Sirius seemed to melt into him. Calm again, he sank into his lovers lap, snuggling him. _

"_Well, everything else sucks. Lets just stay here- just us two, locked away safe forever."_

"_Sirius, Love, I have to look for more work. I know it's not likely, but I have to try. You can't support me forever."_

"_Don't be stupid! Of course I can, because I love you! I-" Sirius stopped, realising what he said. Remus smiled nervously. _

"_I love you, Sirius black..."_

The sun was shining. Not that it should bother. Remus stood in the open air, looking at the park from afar. That was where it had happened. The last time he had seen his … his Sirius. The last time they spoke, when so much was wrong between them, and Remus wanted only to put it right.

"_We can't do this any more" Remus cringed – he had heard them before, and those words never meant anything – they agreed to stay apart, they fucked, they argued, Remus went home, and usually cried. Every time. Yet he couldn't ever let it end – he needed to cling to what small part of Sirius was left to him._

"_We have to. I have to." He responded – as always. The same dialogue – the same game. But Sirius seemed to have forgotten his lines. Wrinkles creased his frowning brow, as he searched for the words. _

"_Remus... Remus, I... we..." To his intense horror- and fear- Sirius had tears in his eyes._

"_This is the part" Remus whispered, fear choking him, his stomach knotted "where you say 'You know I want you too, Remus'" he attempted a weak smile. Sirius shook his head, looking up into Remus' eyes. The connection that Remus had been mourning was there – and so intense. Sirius pulled the other man into his embrace. They kissed. They kissed like they never had, like this was the first and last kiss in the world. When Sirius finally ended the rough embrace, he whispered_

"_You taste of chocolate, Moony", and he turned and walked away._

Remus lay on the ground, watching the clouds. That one, there, was some kind of dog. Or a wolf. And that other, with the long brilliant points, could almost be a star. The star that, in muggle stories, lead to the man who would save the world. Save him. He closed his eyes, tears leaking from the corners, and waited for the ground to swallow him.


End file.
